Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
