Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
