Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm really busy with my period
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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