i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
