god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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