some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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