the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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