I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
