How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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