my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
