Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
