i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Still dying that you shit outside
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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