Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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