This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
