two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
