Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
