I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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