if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
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Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
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We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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