yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
