how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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