...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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