She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
