in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
