Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
