I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
