My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
