My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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