my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
