Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
