Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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