My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
