I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
