You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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