theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
