Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
