Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
