Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
