Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
