i wish my penis had a tongue
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
