We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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