your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
