Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
