So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
two words...techno handjob
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
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Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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