I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
