I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
