Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
