The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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