Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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