Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
sex in a hospital.. check
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
