JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
