Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
