I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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