i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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