i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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