Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
