I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
