I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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